imthecatalyst

different.
stronger.
nonchalant thoughts.
dont care.

fragile.
scared.
lonely.
tired.

happy.
hyper.
ADD.

i want to miss you...i dont need to.
you dont get it.

my thoughts are flying in all directions.

why...

my life=confusion

all that stuff in my previous entry was crap.

im here.
im gonna take advantage of it.
stand bac...be aghast.

"WATCH AS SHE FALLS...WATCH AS SHE FALLS...ONLY SHE CAN CATCH HERSELF..."

thank God i drew the line...have you ever thought you wanted something and then you got it and you regreted ever wanting it in the first place...

shakey...physical doesnt = fulfillment...i have a hole somewhere that needs to be fixed...its a stupid way to fill a hole.

blah...i felt out of control.which is dumb because i was totally in control...

it wont go any further, i know that.

damn it...the one i really want is out of reach

at what point did i loose who i was...

im different now.
i want my friends back.
i want my happiness back.
i want my hair back.

living in tupelo i was so sheltered.
in the past 3 months ive been exposed to things ive never been exposed to before in my life.
and ive given in to a few of those things...like an idiot...but no more.
its done.

that stage is over.

i realized i made a mistake.
im sorry my dear friend.
i lead you to believe something and then dropped you for another.
when all along you were the one who was worth it...
i wish i had turned bac.

its all out on the table now though and you know it.
christmas will be here sooner than we know it...

"i wasnt prepared for this...come bac to me my, my darling..."
im ready now...

this time next year i hope im going to be in some far off place.

if this foreign exchange thing doesnt go through and i dont get approved im gonna go insane.

i have already left my home...what is holding me bac now...i can think of nothing.

i hope i get sent to Europe...i will meet a British or perhaps even Italian (because we all know Italians are best) thing of beauty.

we will live in a villa overlooking a vinyard...

Perhaps in Tuscany.

this is my dream...only a dream.

tomorrow... next week im gonna be home.

sooo excited.

i think ill go to school at THS on friday.

after i get my hair cut.

im ready to see everyone.

i want me some sweet tea and fried okra dang it.

i need me some southern lovin.

i kinda have an uneasy feelin though for some reason.

BE GONE UNEASY FEELING.

i had a favorite place....now i have a second.

it is beautful there.

if only i had someone to share it with.

this is the first weekend where i have had time to do stuff.

school has been kicking me in tha butt.

going to a party at some girls house tonite, should be fun.

TWELVE DAYS.

making plans...

i cant wait.

patience.

went to a wedding this weekend...

it made me realize that im so not getting married.

with a ceremony that is.

all that money for one day...its like buying a brand new porche and then driving it off a cliff.

id rather take the money and spend it on a house.

how many marriages last these days?

its really sad when you think about it.

is it cuz people get married too young or is it cuz people cant love anymore?

i love my family and friends....but i havent ever LOVED someone.

i dont know if i have it in me to deeply love someone to the point that i would die for them.

and with that in mind...will someone ever love me like that.

alright enough emotional crap.
im dumb.

goodnite all.

its late.

im gonna quit trying so hard.
obviously it isnt benefiting me.

attached.
unattached.
attached.
unattached.

its exhausting.

is it time?

foolish heart.

COME BACK.
please.

im so excited right now...
me and my mom went to an Arts fest today...
i saw so many neat artists and got sooo many new inspirations.
bought a couple of peices too.
WHICH ARE AWESOME.
i love them.
im bout to go to hobby lobby.
gotta get some supplies.
ive lost a lot of my stuff in tha move.
paint.
paint brushes.
MY STENCILS.
their all gone.
sucks.
but all the more reason to get with it and make some more.
i need new stuff because im gonna make are small peice of art with a heart theme.
its for a Hurricane Katrina mural thing.
all i know is a bunch of people are makin 4 by 6 index cards with some kind of heart design on em and then they all are gonna be put together and then auctioned off on Ebay.
pretty cool i thought.
might as well contribute.

vous être toujours dans mon pensée.
vous avec votre bleu oeil.
je aimer tout vous... particulièrement votre paille.
je maintenir vous dans mon prière. quand vous être triste, je être triste.
quand je être avec vous je être silencieux parce que je être aimer chaque moment.
chaque fois que pièce je devenir triste, et je être désolé mais blesser pour laisser vous part.
je juste espérer que vous penser à moitié aussi souvent que je faire vous.

I spent most of last night dragging this lake
for the corpses of all my past mistakes
sell me out- the jokes on you
we are salt- you are the wound
empty another bottle
and let me tear you to pieces
this is me wishing you
into the worst situations
i'm the kind of kid
that can't let anything go
but you wouldn't know a good thing
if it came up and slit your throat

your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears
rather ones that just don't care
because i know
that you're in between arms somewhere
next to heartbeats
where you shouldn't dare sleep
I'll teach you a lesson
for keeping secrets from me

take your taste back
peel back your skin
and try to forget how it feels inside
you should try saying no once in a while


and did you hear the news?
i could dissect you
and gut you on this stage
not as elequent as i may have imagined
but it will get the job done (you're done)
every line is plotted and designed
to leave you standing
on your bedroom window's ledge
and everyone else that it hits
that it gets to
is nothing more than collateral damage

take your taste back
peel back your skin
and try to forget how it feels inside
you should try saying no once in a while

i like myself most of the time
i am sensitive...i act tough....im not
you have to earn the right to know what goes on in my head
i wish i could play the guitar.
i listen to anything...but i dont like everything.
deep water scares me
i will be successful in whatever i end up doing.
i want to be a designer. unlike any other.
if i believe i can...then i can.
i relate to boys more than girls.
girls are mean.
i'll take a tshirt and jeans any day.
i like old buildings.
broken glass...squeaky floors.
places with a past.
if i had the nerve...i would run away.
i love polka dots.
im gonna start cutting my own hair.
i have black nails because i worship satan.
no i dont.
ill have tatoos but youll never see them.
i procrastinate.
i contimplate suicide....but id never do it.
life is too precious.
too many things to do...too many people to see.
too many people to do...too many things to see.

i have strings attached to everything bac home and i feel that those strings are slowly being cut one by one by a giant pair of scissors in the hands of my parents...

********************************************************* ******** ******** ******** ********

im setting myself up for another patch on my heart...
oh welll it will be a beautiful patch unlike any other or any that is to come...

i want to take that leap...
no regrets...

sharpies...fine point...extra-fine point...

what a release...

new shoes.

holes in my ears.

it was a good day.

this is all making me very tired.
im gonna go a different route.
this is not my destiny.
i want more than this fake world of stereotypes and faces i dont know.
reality.
its what i will make it.
my heart is not in it.

im not strong...
in GOD.
in FAMILY.
in FRIENDS.
in LIFE.

i am alone in this.

I HAD NO FUCKING CLUE...
i have hurt you and im sorry...
if you dont forgive me i completely understand...
there was no story...
i found it...
i appologize.

this all has completely exploded all over the place.
i just hope we can mend the broken peices.
or at least try.

i have now been goin to carmel high for 3 days....
my general impression is that its the same as any other high school...EXCEPT BIG!
a little over 4000 students.
that is a lot of strange different people crammed into one building...
typical groups of friends.

finding a group is proving harder than i thought.
so i give up on the group thing....i shall befriend all i encounter.
so far....a quite girl....a bunch of loud and funny band kids....a hyper girl....the opera singer...a bass player/rapper...the flambouyant guy...david white's replica...the CA chick...the british girl...the cheerleader...the hung on herself girl...and the ghetto fabulous diva from St.Louis....
i am the new kid.....blah.

people in the junior class dont even know their class mates...
i introduce myself....they notice the accent...."where are you from" they say...."Mississippi..." -pause-....reallly??

awkward......

beautiful people....i feel like i have been dropped in an episode of Laguna Beach....blah.
expensive cars.....blonde hair....mini skirts.

i miss tupelo....the place i know.
the people i know.

i have lost my muse...

i leave tomorrow to go to indianapolis for the weekend...

this is really happening...

i was packin my bag tonite and i realized that this is actually happening.

we are going this weekend so we can look for a short term apt, and also so i can tour some high schools in the area. its going to be a long weekend...

(<3-u-scrumpet)

by the way all who read... NEXT FRIDAY NITE THERE IS GONNA BE A GET TOGETHER AT MY HOUSE AROUND 7... just a little somthin so i can say goodbye...

much love <3

i have always wanted to get away from tupelo...
the drama and all the people who have their heads so far up their ass that they cant see what really counts and who people really are...
but now that its a reality i realize that i have taken a lot of it for granted...
i have friends here that i dont want to leave behind...
friends that i have had since i was 3...
and new friends that i have only recently gotten to know...
i love all of yall dearly...

its a new chapter in my life

ill be bac though...
frequent visits...

forgive me if you come in contact with me in the next week...
im gonna have a camera strapped to my wrist...
picture crazy is what im gonna be...
a giant tupelo slide show for the homesick days...

<3<3<3

i woke up this morning to find that my life is going to change...
there are positive sides to this life changing event as well negative...
although the negative overcome all the positive at this moment...

im moving...

i have lived here all my life and now im about to leave all of it behind...
my friends...
my family...
my best friend...i love her so much and i feel like i have let her down...
be strong...for me...

lately i have turned my bac on God for many different reasons,
but now i find myself needing him more than ever...

GOD...YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION...

this is the turning point....i knew that it would happen sometime in my life...
but i didnt think that meant moving away from what i have grown to know and love...

it breaks my heart...
we never got the chance...
i want you to know that i would have always been here for you...
i would have treated you the way you should have been treated...
i will miss you...
now all we have are words...
we will always have words...
please don't forget me...
i wont forget you...